work

Well, as many of you know I returned to the full time work world a few months ago. I actually enjoy the work I do and the public I work with, however, the work enviroment has become increasingly worse. My bosses appear to be trying to fix it so I'm hanging in there but I don't know for how much longer.

I recently became the target of some coworkers who are systematically trying to get some of us to quit. Through tears I fought back. I don't think they were expecting me to stand my ground. Believe me I have wanted to run for the door several times over the last couple of weeks and I still may. I might as well tell you I'm in the minorty at my place of employment and those in the majority are working to keep it that way. They want people like me gone, and no I'm not imagining this. I think my bosses think I am though.

I'm sinking deeper into a depressive state and fighting everyday to reach the surface for some air. Sometimes it comes, sometimes I'm still swimming with everything I've got. I just want to go to work and enjoy what I'm doing, but when all you want to do is cry and crawl into a corner somewhere it's not working.

Sometimes people in other departments will say hi to me in the mornings with the standard greeting of "How are you?" I always answer "fine," but inside I feel like I'm lying and that they can see it on my face. I'm not hiding it well anymore. My boss wanted to talk to me about something else entirely and I broke down in tears. We talked about things and tried to find some resolutions, but I wish she had never seen that side of me. I've worked hard to control my emotions (unfortunately, when your ADHD emotional control can be difficult) and lately I've lost a lot of what I spent a lifetime working on. Right now the tears have been flowing, but if they keep pushing me my temper will surface and good sense may not stop me from letting someone have it.

To put it more concisely "I'm being pushed to the limit and I don't know how far I can go before I collapse."